What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
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just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant