What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
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why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
A big dipper? in this astronomy?
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Guilty! 🤪
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Best table by far
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop