What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
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me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.