WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
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WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
This could’ve been an email.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…