Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank

I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.

Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver

Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot

It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

Spongebob | (•)(•) |

Patrick / (•)(•)

Squidward ( (•)(•) )

Plankton | (•) |

Mr Krabs |$||$|

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app

Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.

Black Mirror S05E01

January 20, 2021:

[fade in on TV set]

President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.

[cut to]

Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

Friend: I grew as a person

Me: Did you molt?

Friend: What?

Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?

Friend:

Me: Can I see it?

When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.

*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*

*posts photo of me washing dishes*

*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*

Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?

Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

*first date*

Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*

“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”

Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.

RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.

Cardio? Is that in Spain?