Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

❤️🦆

All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.

I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in

Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.

Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.

Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-

World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.

Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me

I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.

Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*

Me: Dad’s in the garage.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*

It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.

$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?

A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.

Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.