Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
You Might Also Like
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?