Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
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I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.