Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
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At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
He took my last fry, your honor
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest