[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
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If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
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My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
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At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
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My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
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“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
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Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
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when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
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