whelp that’s enough instagram for today
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I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.