@CatJacquesESPN

When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.

Difficult, not impossible

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@Craftybeername

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

@aveuaskew

” I made my famous dip for the office party”

You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.

“But he wasn’t a chef”

Exactly

@Mitchoacan

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

@JustBeingEmma

Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.

@fightforfood

Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

@GensPlace

Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..

@stephenjmolloy

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

@UnicornSyrup

Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.