When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
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Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Merica.
mom gave me mine for free
Travel bloggers during quarantine
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.