When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
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My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
🤣could you imagine
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.