When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
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I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
so, is there a mister shapen head
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.