When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
You Might Also Like
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend