When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
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Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
My inexpensive home security system…
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.