When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
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A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.