When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
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Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
At least he brought enough for everyone
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops