When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
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*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!