when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
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2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.