When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
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Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
This is my emotional support knife.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles