When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
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For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
never compromise your values
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.