When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
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Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Cardio Made Easy
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.