@CulturedRuffian

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

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@NamestartswithZ

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

@AyeshaASiddiqi

always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away

@Marlebean

Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

@Marlebean

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

@RandiLawson

“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”

“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”

@The_Sculptress

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

@WheelTod

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”