When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
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“so what brings you to therapy today?”
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?