When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
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[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
fourth time’s the charm
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.