When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
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Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]