When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
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My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Teach your children to beatbox
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.