When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.

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5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-

Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.



5: How much blood?


good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything


What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall


I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early


If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it


The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.


Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.


My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.