@CynicalTherapi1

When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.

You Might Also Like

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-

Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.

5:

Me:

5: How much blood?

@Shen_the_Bird

good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything

@OmniscientOf

What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall

@lazerdoov

I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early

@brucepoontip

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

@rickkondell

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.

@donni

Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.

@MiddlingMs

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.