When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
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I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Selfie
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.