When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
You Might Also Like
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.