@aimeevc1970

When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”

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@tuckonthis

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

@TheCiscoKidder

My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

@TheAlexNevil

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

@alldrolledup

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

@MoistPork

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.

@Xeriland

People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.

@JermHimselfish

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

@WilliamRodgers

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

@TheCiscoKidder

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

@a_simpl_man

Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.