@aimeevc1970

When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”

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@KattsDogma

Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.

@LlamaInaTux

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

@TheCatWhisprer

No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.

@ericsshadow

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

@pest_mode

*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*

@hamersauce

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it

@sween

Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.