When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
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Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me