When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
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Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.