When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
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guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
*swipes right on my hand mirror
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
ugh not again
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
technically true but not a great slogan
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!