When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
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I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me