When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
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Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
inventing words: clothing
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Its a hippotatomus
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-