When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
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I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.