when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
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[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
men, we mow at sunrise.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
doing your own taxes
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Anyone else having a near life experience today?