When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
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Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
79.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
never ask a starfish for directions
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….