When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
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If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*