When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
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I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me: I spy something adopted.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.