@shaun__gunner

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

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@chrisdowning

The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.

@WilliamRodgers

“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”

-Disney’s Frozen

I paused the movie to tweet this…

@MelvinofYork

The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET

@MindyFurano

Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.

@Tipocazzuto

Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?

Me: why?

Her: who vacuums their bed?

Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.

@capnmcfword

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

@HomeProbably

It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.

@mynameisntdave

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

@greenmartinis

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

@huntigula

confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”