
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”