Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.

Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.

*runs into a burning building to save the fire*

I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

[Joining a gang]

me: so who do I stab for initiation?

members: again, this is a book club

It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.

Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete

BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool

ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.

A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.

I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude

in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape

accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in

Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.

HAHAHAHAHA!

Just kidding. He totally threw up.

You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.

Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.