@chrisdowning The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
@shaun__gunner When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
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@chrisdowning 
@WilliamRodgers “Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
@MelvinofYork The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
@MindyFurano Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
@Tipocazzuto Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
@capnmcfword I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
@HomeProbably It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
@mynameisntdave [sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
@greenmartinis Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
@huntigula confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”