When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
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Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “