Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
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If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
“Got any others?”
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
He’s never gonna let me down.