When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
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Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together