When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
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* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
lol
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.