When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
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Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
#NeverForget
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm