When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.

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Dinner Party

Hostess: How much of this would you like?

Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.


customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames


Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet


Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.


Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?

Me: The ham expires tomorrow.


Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should


Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.


me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!


age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing