@OMGSoOverIt

When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.

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@Cornjerker78

Dinner Party

Hostess: How much of this would you like?

Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.

@stevevsninjas

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

@causticbob

Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet

@Izianikapani

Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.

@Cornjerker78

Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?

Me: The ham expires tomorrow.

@NYorNothing

Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should

@LuvPug

Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.

@MarfSalvador

me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!

@jonnysun

age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing