When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
You Might Also Like
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.