When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
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Mornin. * use accordingly
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.