When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
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Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?