When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
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The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
If you know, you know
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir