When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
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If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa