When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
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The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Perfect
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)