When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
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No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story