When a shoelace touches your ankle
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In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
2022 will be better than 2021
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.