When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
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Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Home #decor warning.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
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ʸ
ʸ
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Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.