When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
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Happy Febuary everyone!
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
#SuperBowl
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
getting corrected
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.