When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
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I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Somebody call the cops.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Still a very good boi….
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.